I'm gonna have a badass scar
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
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then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
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Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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