dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
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You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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