Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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