Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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