I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
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the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
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Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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