I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
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I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
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I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
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