He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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