I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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