I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
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Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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