I can feel you judging me through the phone.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
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