I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
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Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
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Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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