called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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