Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize