My first STD was from a foam party
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
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In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
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He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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