life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
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