My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
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Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
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I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize