Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
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i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
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I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
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