someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
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Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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