Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
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Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
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I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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