when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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