I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize