I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
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I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
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You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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