2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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