Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
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I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
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I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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