She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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