I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
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the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
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It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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