I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
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If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
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Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
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