You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
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Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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