I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
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We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
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I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize