The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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