Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
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He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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