You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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