I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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