My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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