a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
His hands were made for my vagina.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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