I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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