Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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