I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
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she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
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I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize