I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
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door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
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He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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