I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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