i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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