the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
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I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
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You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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