My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
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Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
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I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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