DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
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We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
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I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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