How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize