Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
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I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
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All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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