Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
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Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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