Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
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Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
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My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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