awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
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I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
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