I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
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Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
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Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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