I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
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Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
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If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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